Today, I had occasion to go to my 'old home town.'  I was on the road I traveled for many years and the song started playing in my head..."The old home town looks the same....as I step down from the train...and there to meet me... was my ...." I knew it wasn't true, the town does not really look the same and I am certainly not the same, but my memories started knockin at the door of my mind. Memory upon memory; the deep seated kind that come from the all knowing far away subconscious to tantalize and plague my conscious mind.
     As I drove through main street I thought, "there are just way way way way way WAY to many memories here, not the good one's but the one's I don't want to relive, knowing once was more than enough." The deep rotted part of myself twist and turned, poked and prodded me with memories of my 'survival mode' lifetime when my goal in life was just to stay alive. Those memories need not be alive, they do not enhance my life and it is not necessary to give them more space, more time, more of any part of myself. I came home exhausted but feeling very thankful for my life...now.
     As I checked my Facebook page and email messages I was drawn to a picture of me wearing my Vietnam Widow of War vest as several of my AWPers and I visited Arlington National Cemetery last year. (If you are not familiar with AWP please go to americanwidowproject.org to see whom it is I'm talking about and I will continue my story.) The photo reminded me of the love and camaraderie we share, so I posted it before laying down for a much needed nap.
     Now, the best part of the story. I had a dream. (brief version) In that dream, I was troubled, walking toward the 'old house' from Mrs Evans new house across the street. Taryn was inside, just being Taryn, along with several other AWP gals. With each step I became more conscious of their laughter, dancing, singing and...living. My heart lightened and I felt a smile broaden on my lips until I was on the verge of laughter. I do believe it was that chuckle in my heart that woke me.
     From time to time, our conscious self will struggle with our subconscious. Subconscious being the part that records all the events of our lives and probably does not know what to do with those memories. They come up so we can once and for all put them in their appropriate place and put them to rest. It is very hard work to change a lifetime of wrong thinking into a healthier right thinking frame of mind...but it is worth the battle.