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Chapter
1 (cont'd)
My tears dripped onto the pages as I relived the
words I wrote to Bruce. Then, one by one I placed the letters
onto the flames in the wood stove.
I thought that by getting rid of the letters I wrote
to Bruce, it would also destroy any proof or written history of
my feelings. The testament of my love for him would go up in smoke
and disappear like he did. I could avoid having to confront the
complexity of the loss of my youth. I would not ever have to relive
my thoughts, dreams and hopes of the springtime of my life.
As I burned memories of myself, my journey toward
self-destruction continued to spiral downward.
Thank God I did not burn the letters Bruce had written
to me.
In 2001, I emotionally, physically and financially
hit bottom. The accumulation of lost jobs, relationships and my
health overwhelmed me. In the past, I was able to pick myself
up and approach life with some facility of “normal.”
When I wasn’t able to hold myself together,
I would just move on to another job, another person, another town,
and continue to build on the life of my false self. But this time
was different. I was not able to bounce back. My survival skills
were worn out and used up.
Often I would find myself sitting on the couch staring
out the window and suddenly realize I had been there for hours.
I was grossly overweight. My five-foot frame topped out at 248
pounds.
I was in serious emotional, physical and financial
trouble.
When my faith started to grow weary I knew it was
time to make a change. I believe I was allowed to exhaust all
my former dreams and ambitions so I could let go of my self-serving
desires and confidently move into the will of God, knowing that
I had tried everything possible.
Even so, I fought hard to keep from surrendering
my will. I came to understand the meaning of the words in the
song, “Me and Bobby McGee”: “Freedom’s just
another word for nothing left to lose...”
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